Why Babies CryPage Updated on July 28, 2007I got so annoyed when people would say that I'm "lucky" because my baby doesn't cry. In fact, it was A LOT of hard work to learn how to respond to my baby to ease her crying, and I think my husband and I deserve some credit for it instead of "luck" getting all the praise. Babies Have Needs Babies cry because they NEED something. Your job as a parent is to give them what they need. The first thing your baby needs is for you to help him learn what he needs in the first place. Hunger, sleepiness, too warm, too cold, gas, pain, itching, sneezing, stress, anxiety, etc. are all new sensations for your baby, and he doesn't know what they are. You need to help him learn that the hunger feeling means that he needs to eat. Then you have to teach him how to eat. Your baby needs you to teach him how to interpret that tired feeling as meaning "I guess I need to sleep" and how to sleep. Your baby even needs you to teach him what boredom is, how to play, what communication is, how to interact with people, what fear is, how to feel secure, and everything else we take for granted. It may take many months and even years to teach them these basic lessons, but that's your job as a parent. You must be patient and persistent. Stop Crying Before It Starts with Cues Each baby has unique cues to indicate what she needs. Pay attention to your babies cues to figure out what each cue means. (This may take a lot of time, trial, and error and requires you to be very observant, but it's worth it because it will save you a lot of time and energy down the road.) If she chews on her hand and suddenly starts crying then quiets down when you feed her, then chewing on her hand is probably a cue that she's hungry. Next time you see her chewing on her hand, immediately feed her before she cries. Eventually she'll learn that she will be fed if she chews on her hand instead of crying. Babies cues can also change frequently, so you need to keep on top of them. If you ignore your baby's cues and wait until she cries to respond to her, she will learn that crying gets the best results and will eventually skip the cues completely and go straight to crying in the future. If you normally respond to her cues, your baby may still cry, but this will most likely be caused by frustration if cues are not responded to quickly enough. For example, your baby is chewing on her hand frantically, knowing that when she normally does this she gets fed, but you happen to be looking at a magazine instead of your baby, so you don't notice her hunger cue. She may become frustrated that you are not feeding her even though she is giving the cue and will start crying. This does not mean that she will instantly resort to crying in the future because you ignored one cue, but you do want to keep delayed responses to a minimum. This also doesn't mean that you must sit and observe your child 100% of the time, giving up the need to shower, eat, and have personal time, but you should always have your child nearby you or another caretaker and be aware of what she's doing even when you aren't directly looking at her. (This is a skill that takes time to develop and is known as having "eyes in the back of your head".) Slings are great for keeping your child close enough to you so that you can quickly notice and respond to her cues while still having your hands free to do other things around the house. Teach your child your own cues too. You can use songs, words, and sign language. Sing to her a very specific melody while using specific hand gestures immediately before and during the beginning of every time you feed her, and don't sing this melody at any other time. Eventually, your child will learn that when you sing this melody you will soon feed her. This can calm a child who is crying because she is frustrated because you didn't respond to her cue when she expected that you would. In my home we have a different song for everything. One for changing diapers, one for taking a bath, one for eating, one for going to sleep, etc. It's easier for a baby to understand melodies of songs rather than words. Think about a foreign song you may have heard. You can probably pick out the melody even if you can't understand the words. This will not hinder your baby's ability to communicate with words, and this will actually teach your baby words and what they mean if you sing them along with the melody. For example, when you feed your baby you can sing the words "baby's going to eat now". If you also make the sign for "eat" while you sing the song, your baby will eventually learn to sign to communicate with you. (Babies can use sign language that involves gross motor functions sooner than the can speak words, which requires fine motor functions and is more complicated. This also promotes communication skills.) Babies Feel What You Feel It's amazing how your baby's emotions often reflect your own. If you are stressed out, your baby will feel stressed out. This added stress causes babies to be more sensitive and more prone to crying. You can reduce your baby's stress by trying to keep as calm, relaxed, and cheerful as possible.
Good Parenting is Important Realize that you are a parent because you chose to be a parent. If you chose to have sex (even if you used contraception) or other conception methods, and you decide to not get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, then you chose to be a parent. You chose to bring this child into the world, so now you must make raising a secure and healthy child your #1 priority. If you don't want to take the time to do this or are too selfish to put your wants (not needs) on hold for this child, then you will be guaranteed an unhappy kid who will cry a lot. I know this sounds harsh, but I see so many parents complain that their babies are "spoiled" or "difficult" because they get hungry during "unscheduled" feeding times, soil their diapers at inconvenient moments, need to be played with, prefer to be rocked to sleep rather then left in a crib alone, and, heaven forbid, are attached to mommy and/or daddy and desire their attention and affection. These are often the parents who go by the old-fashioned methods of parenting that are now being shown to be harmful to children's emotions, which results in unfavorable behavior, including crying. There are also the people who foolishly insist that the baby should not change your lifestyle; they're wrong. It's true that you should incorporate the baby into your current lifestyle rather than giving up everything to focus on the baby, but this doesn't mean that things will be the same as they were in your childless days. The common problems are that many things you did during your childless days may not be appropriate for babies to be in (like night clubs and parties) and babies are so time consuming that you probably won't have time to do everything you did before (a 1 hour trip to the store, from the time you leave your front door to the time you return home, may now take at least 2 hours, leaving you with less time to do other things). Some parents who insist on keeping their old lifestyles simply use babysitters to care for their children (or in some cases take the children along to inappropriate settings, like those wild parties and night clubs). Hiring a child care service is fine for when you have to work or for getting out of the house once in awhile, but babysitters should not be raising your child. Babies need your attention, to interact with you. They need to know that you are their parent and are there to love and care for them. They need to learn about you and from you. They need to get attached to you. The less time you spend taking care of your child, the less your child will feel connected to you, and the less you will connect to your child. Children who don't feel connected, attached, often end up having emotional problems. In addition, if you aren't the one learning your child's cues by being with your child, then you are likely to miss those cues, and your baby will cry to try to alert you to his/her needs. Sometimes It's Not Your Fault Being a model parent doesn't guarantee that your kid won't cry. All babies cry for one reason or another. If you are sincerely trying everything you can, accept that your child may simply have an under-developed nervous system and is going to cry and fuss more than other kids, or maybe your child is just stressed out and needs to let off some steam. Parenting is 90% doing the best job you can and 10% letting go of guilt for not being able to do better. |
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