Taming a Rebellious Toddler Who Says "No!"
Content Written/Updated on April 19, 2007
Hi Kristen, I'm having a very difficult time with my 20 mth old daughter. She is very bright and ahead of most kids her age when it comes to her development. But she is very strong willed and constantly wants her way - she throws fits and screams bloodly murder endlessly while either stomping her feet or rolling around. The thing is we are very close and have a great relationship (like best friends always playing together), but I can't get her to listen or take me seriously. I thought maybe I was too much of a "friend" - so I tried to change my tone when asking for cooperation, but according to my husband I sound very aggressive, and all I get is a "NO!" anyway. I am at my wits end - I don't want to do anything to traumatize her, and I want to continue encouraging her development. Do you have any suggestions?
--Rachel
I know EXACTLY what you're going through. It's an ongoing struggle for children and parents, and it will always be something that every parent will have to manage at every stage of their children's development.
Rebellion, power struggles, and the ever-popular "NO!" usually indicate that junior is growing into her own person and trying to assert her independence. This is a good thing because we want our kids to learn how to make their own decisions, yet we also need them to accept that we are the authority and have the final word until they grow up.
To tame the rebellion, give your child more opportunities to make decisions. Even a twenty-month-old can amaze her parents with the decisions she's able to make on her own if given the chance (and they understand more than most parents think they do). Actually, this is the perfect time to start teaching her how to make choices while also giving her limits because she has just started learning how to make choices and test those limits.
For example, at bedtime, you could cheerfully say, "It's time to go to bed. Do you want lie down with Mommy or Daddy, or lie down by yourself?" instead of just "Go to bed." (Of course, if your daughter is accustomed to going to bed by herself, you could ask her to make a decision about something else, such as which bedtime story to have you read or no story at all.)
Of course, your child isn't stupid. She'll quickly figure out that she has a third option you didn't mention, don't go to bed at all.
This is where you get to be the authority, "It's time to go to bed. You can choose to go to bed with Mommy or Daddy or by yourself. If you don't choose, then I'm going to choose for you. Which one do you want to do?" Make sure you speak with confidence, but don't try to sound angry or act like you're personally attacking her. For example, you can pretend you're a cool, relaxed mobster who's just doing his job. (I don't condone mobster activities, but the image helps to keep you in character during a moment of frustration. John Travolta's character in Get Shorty is a good example.)
Her response will likely be, "No!" or something equivalent.
To this, you can respond by making the choice yourself, and you'll probably want to choose the option that you know your daughter is least likely to choose. For my girls, this would be "go to bed by yourself," so that's the one I would choose. You guide her to bed, get her settled in, kiss her good night, tell her you love her, and say, in your most sympathetic voice, something like "Tomorrow you can choose something different if you want." Then leave the room.
After that she will cry, she will scream, etc. It will break your heart, and you will likely be sitting in the next room crying as well and thinking about what a cruel mother you are. It isn't cruel; it's a lesson that will help her throughout life. Some lessons are harder to learn than others, but it's easier to teach those lessons now rather than when she's a teenager. This is the hard part of parenting, but just remember, you're doing this because you love her and want her to be physically safe and emotionally healthy, and both of those things require her to follow your directions (especially for safety), understand what it means to respect others as well as herself, and know that she has the ability to influence her own life by making choices.
The next night, at bedtime, you would go through the same routine. There's a very good chance that she will make a choice and lie down for bed this time because last time you said what the consequence was and you stuck to it. If, however, you have a history of giving in, then you may have to deal with a few more nights of "No!" until she realizes that you just aren't going to give in. You are the boss, you get to decide which options she can choose (she can't choose something that isn't on the list), and you get to make the choice if she refuses to do it. It will take awhile, but she will learn to respect your authority.
Likewise, when you give her the opportunity to make a decision, you need to respect her decision. If she wants to lie down with Mommy instead of Daddy, put down whatever you're doing and go lie down with her. If you give your child an option, you must be willing to go with that option if she chooses it. You can't say "Do you want ice cream or pizza?" if you don't want her to eat ice cream.
This method can be used in almost every situation. "It's time to leave the park. Should we just leave right now, or do you want to go on the slide one more time?" "It's time for breakfast. Do you want oatmeal, cereal, or nothing to eat?" "It's time to clean up your toys. Do you want to put away the puzzle or the blocks first, so you can play with them later? Otherwise, your puzzles AND your blocks are going into the time-out closet, and you won't get to play with them later. So do you want to put away your puzzle or your blocks first?"
Another thing you can do in addition to choices-and-consequences routines is to create reward charts. For young children, it's best to give them several rewards throughout the day. As they get older, you give them just one reward per day. As they get even older, they get just one reward per week. My daughters have charts for getting ready for the day, getting ready for bed, cleaning up after themselves, and doing extra chores. They get a stamp or a sticker for everything on their list that they do. If they get all of their stamps for getting ready for the day before the timer beeps (I give them one hour), they get to do something fun that they don't do on a typical day (which they choose from a list of pre-approved, fun, educational activities, such as messy crafts or a trip to the duck pond). If they get all of their stamps for getting ready for bed, they get to watch a DVD (they get to choose the DVD). If they get all of their stamps for cleaning up after themselves, they get to choose a prize from our reward box (it is currently filled with glittery pencils, tiny notepads, rainbow crayons, little coloring books, little story books, and leftover Easter candy). If they get stamps for doing extra chores, they instantly get money to put in their piggy banks (currently twenty cents per stamp), and at the end of the week we take them to the store and let them buy something. Yes, it takes quite a bit of effort to keep up with the stamping and distributing rewards, but now they often do their tasks without being told, and they also get to learn about financial management, earning their privileges, and the consequences of not getting the job done.
Above all, remember, actions speak louder than words. You don't need to speak aggressively to be in charge; just be relaxed and follow through with the consequences (nothing personal; just doing my job as a parent). Follow that up with lots of hugging, cuddling, compliments, "I love you"s, and "I'm proud of you"s, and your child will know that you are acting in her best interest, even if she doesn't like it sometimes.
...by Feed