Stay-At-Home Parents (Moms and Dads)
Updated on July 28, 2007
If you're a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) or a stay at home dad (SAHD), you're going to have a set of challenges you probably never expected.
Guilt
When most people think about guilt, parenting, and work in the same sentence they think about moms being guilty for going to work and not being home with the kids. Well, it goes the other way too because there is often guilt for not going to work
Not Bringing in an Income: Stay-at-home parents often feel guilty for not brining in an income. However, you can usually set this guilt aside.
Call a local day-care center and ask them how much it would cost to have a child enrolled for 5 days a week, 5 or more hours per day. In my neighborhood, in 2005, the cost for a preschooler was $8,000 per year, and that includes a two-week vacation. This is my income per kid, the amount that I earn by doing my own child-care for my kid. For me, that goes for 2 kids, so that's $16,000. If I were to get a paycheck, I would probably need about $3000 extra to cover taxes, transportation costs, and work clothing and supplies. That comes out to $19,000. I would need a full time job that pays $9.50/hour or a part time job that pays $19/hour just to pay for child care alone.
I could get a higher paying job, but then I wouldn't have the security of knowing that my children are being well cared for all day long (because you never really know what's going on when you're not there), and I would miss out on all that bonding that money just can't buy. As long as we're making ends meet and putting away money for retirement and emergencies, I'm staying home as long as my kids need me to be here.
On a more morbid note, if you were to die or be serious disabled, your family would need to put the kids in child care. You'll need to make sure that you have insurance to pay for the years of child care expenses after your death.
Throwing Away Your Education: I'm surprised by how many people say things like, "but you went to college, and now you're not doing anything with that education." My education has helped me be a better parent. My background is in science, teaching, and child development. Without that background I wouldn't know how to nurture and teach my children as well as I do today. Without my education I wouldn't be the person I am today (and I definitely like my educated self much more than my pre-educated self).
Not Having a Perfect Home: You're home all day, so you have lots of time to make the perfect home, right?
Let's get back to reality. When kids are in day care for 8 hours, they make their messes at day care for 8 hours. When kids are at home, they make their messes at home. Stay at home parents can spend the day cleaning up messes and interacting with the kids (just like day care providers do) or they can spend the day decorating and scrubbing their homes. If you also work out of your home, you might not even have time to clean up all of those kid messes.
Loneliness
Well, you're certainly not lonely for company because you have the kids to interact with, but you can get lonely for adult interaction. Eventually, you get tired of playing kids games and having conversations about cartoon characters. Sometimes you just want to talk about global news, philosophy, the arts, science, etc. Sometimes you just want to talk to somebody about social events and joke around with somebody who understands more than just kid humor.
You need to have an adult side to your life. If you have an infant and are breastfeeding, you will probably need to have baby-friendly socializing, such as with friends who have kids or in a mom's group. If your baby isn't breastfeeding or if you have a toddler or older child, join a class, meet with a group of friends, or volunteer or work a day or two outside of the home each week. Do something with adults. It may even be wise to get away from your spouse or other adults who live in your home and have a life away from your family.
Resentment
As much as you love staying at home with your kids, you might start feeling resentful toward your partner. Your partner gets to go out and mingle with other people. Your partner gets coffee breaks. Your partner still has stress but it's a different kind of stress (not the same thing every hour of every day). Your partner may also not realize how much stress you are dealing with at home.
This resentment can cause friction in your relationship, and that can lead to things like marriage problems. It's important to keep those communication lines open and make sure that each parent gets time alone together and apart.
Feeling Housebound
You wake up in your house, take care of your kids in your house, spend the evening in your house, and go to sleep in your house. After awhile, you can start to feel like your house is your whole world. There's more to life than the walls of your home, so make a point to get out of the house at least twice a week, more if you can. It can even be helpful (and good exercise) to just go for a walk every day.
No Breaks
No 10-minute breaks. No lunch breaks. No sick days. No after work. No days off. No vacation time.
When you have a kid, you are on call as a parent 24 hours a day, but if you work outside of the home, at least you can have a few minutes here and there to take a rest. When you are a stay-at-home parent, you don't get a break, not even a bathroom break (because they'll be banging on the door or wandering in). If your kids take naps all at the same time, you might get a nap break, but it isn't guaranteed. When your kid suddenly refuses to take a nap, it can drive you crazy.
You need to make sure that you have a way to be alone, preferably out of the house completely.
I know several parents who take a vacation from parenthood (and even marriage stress) at least once per year. They go on a trip completely by themselves or with some friends and spend a week or even just a weekend relaxing while their partner (or a trusted relative or friend) holds down the fort at home.
Your Work Uniform: T-Shirts, Jeans, and Sweats
You can feel frumpy when you stay at home all day. There's no boss to impress, no customers to dress up for, and no co-workers to force you to compete in the fashion world, so why bother to dress up. For yourself, of course, but when you're getting something spilled or projected at you several times a day, you may not want to dress up in nice clothes when they are just destined to be stained. True, you could wear an apron or a smock, but unless you're cooking or doing an art project, it seems even more unfashionable to wear such attire than to just wear the T-Shirt and jeans.
The solution! Get some nice clothes at the thrift store (Goodwill is my favorite). A nice outfit will cost under $10 (the whole outfit with accessories), so if it gets stained, you won't feel like crying, but you'll still look better than dressing in stained sweat pants and t-shirts. Don't forget to change out of your pajamas every day (preferably within a couple hours of waking up) because you need to actually wear the uniform for it to look good.
Don't forget to make yourself pretty / handsome every morning. Get a nice haircut that you can do quickly but still looks great. (Dye your hair once a month, so you look bright and healthy even when you haven't washed your hair.) Put on makeup (men can do it too; just go easy on the mascara, eye shadow, and lipstick). Brush and floss your teeth, and then whiten them. Throw on some deodorant, and you're ready to face any person who unexpectedly shows up at your door. Plus, if you need to get out of the house in a hurry, you're all ready to go.
...by Feed