June 2007, Weight Loss Journal
4 June 2007
Weight: 171 (lost 29 lbs.)
BMI: 31.28
Argh! I weighed myself several times this week. Each time it was 169. On weigh-in day, though, it jumps up to 171! So disappointing. Oh, how I wish I could just indulge in food without consequences.
I've been dealing with a bunch of crap from my childhood lately. You think you have everything under control, then, poof, something happens to trigger all those old memories, and I've recently had the pleasure of getting a few new bad memories to add to the list. I've been debating if I should go back to therapy just to work out the glitches, but I think that maybe I could work it out in journals instead (they're cheaper). I realized that during those weeks when the pounds were coming off, I felt OK. When the weight doesn't come off, it just happens to be during the times when I feel like a screw up.
I've always felt like nobody actually likes the real me because so many people I love seem to reject me. I know my outlook isn't realistic since I have so many friends who obviously care about me. There's that ever-present feeling, though, that they're just putting up with me to be polite. I'm sure it comes from the constant bullying I went through as a child, bullying from my peers as well as from family members, and several cases of having friends turn on me. Some of it I deserved, but I'm sure most of it was a result of group mentality led by one or two dominating people. Silly how stuff from my pre-adult years still hurt. Recently, I had a few old friends suddenly refuse to talk to me. One old friend explained that one of the others was saying some "bad" story about me. This really shouldn't bother me, especially since I hadn't spoken to any of them for over a decade, and while I was emotionally screwed up back then, whiney and judgmental most of the time, I know I didn't do anything that would be considered bad enough to warrant total rejection, so my conscience is clean, but it still makes me sad to be rejected by people I deeply care about because I have so many happy memories from being with them. It's hard to recall those happy memories since they cause so much pain now. Sometimes it seems easier to just forget all of it.
Logically I know that I'm doing fine. I have an amazing husband. I have two adorable children. I have a nice house in a Leave it to Beaver neighborhood. We're not hurting financially, even though we are in debt. I've set up my life, so I can stay home, take care of my kids instead of having daycare raise them, educate myself about child development and parenting to help my kids have a psychologically healthy upbringing, impassion my marriage, keep my sanity, improve my health, contribute to the community, and indulge in my writing (and even make a little money from it). I always feel like I should be doing more, though.
I feel like I should be the ideal mother that I'm trying to be (and not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm doing a damn good job), but at the same time I should earn an income sufficient to support my family. I know that's ridiculous. It's impossible to dedicate myself to being a full-time stay-at-home mom and work full time. I can't focus on clients for eight hours a day and tend to the kids' physical and emotional needs at the same time because the children need dedicated attention at spontaneous times, such as during the middle of an important phone call. In fact, in just writing this journal entry so far, I've had to stop for one "I need help going potty," one ABC song, one hug and cuddle session, two juice and oatmeal servings, one story book, one short reading lesson, two cups of hot cocoa with whipped cream and sprinkles, and a silly song. I'm not going to say "Sorry kids, but you're not as important as my work, so you'll just have to wait for eight hours." I can have them wait for fifteen minutes, or I can put on one of their shows to entertain them for thirty minutes, but I'm not going to do that for eight hours. I've worked for my way of life, so I could avoid doing that.
So my inner stress is prompting me to go back to my old comfort habit, eating. When stressed, fighting the eating habit feels like a losing battle since I do it without even realizing it sometimes. Perhaps I should just focus on exercising more during stressful times rather than trying to avoid my comfort foods, allow myself to eat a handful of chocolate chips but do an extra hour of exercise while watching TV. It would get rid of that extra stress hormone anyhow.
11 June 2007
Weight: 168 (lost 32 lbs.)
BMI: 30.73
Wow! I dropped back down to 168. So now I'm wondering, was it water retention? Did venting about all of my stresses, worries, etc. make me cut back on the habitual eating without even making me realize it? Did the strength training that I added to my workouts make the difference?
I really can't put my finger on the reason I dropped those 3 lbs., so I wonder if it will jump back up next week. I don't know if I should celebrate quite yet. If it's 168 next week, I'll take that big sigh of relief and start jumping up and down with joy.
I just have to keep focusing on 165. That's my realistic goal right now, 165.
I'll admit that I'm tempted by those summer weight-loss commercials. I've been so busy lately, hence the lack of updates to the website. This time of year is all about travel, play dates, catching up on home maintenance, etc. It seems like it would be so much easier to take diet pills to control my appetite than spending the time and emotional energy to work out the psychological kinks that contribute to my overeating. I won't take those pills, but I catch myself thinking about it.
So what am I doing instead.
Monday: Walking 3 miles, yoga for flexibility and posture
Tuesday: Walking 3 miles, pilates for core strengthening
Wednesday: Walking 3 miles, upper body strength training / weight lifting
Thursday: Walking 3 miles, lower body strength training
Friday: Walking 3 miles, yoga for flexibility and posture
Saturday: Walking 3 miles, family exercise activity
Sunday: Walking 3 miles, family exercise activity
18 June 2007
Weight: 173 (lost 27 lbs.)
BMI: 31.64
I sabotaged myself this last week. I did my exercise, but I ate way more than I should have. I ate and ate and ate. I ate two giant cinnamon rolls, two huge biscuits, two servings of veggie stew, a soda, two huge bowls of oatmeal, and a handful of trail mix yesterday. The day before that, I had two veggie dogs on giant buns, two pieces of French toast with maple syrup, two scrambled eggs, a huge spaghetti lunch with four huge slices of buttered bread, and soda. The day before that... well, you get the idea.
So why the eating. This time it wasn't stress. It was the "I deserve to enjoy this food" attitude. It seems to pop up whenever I've gone through a state of self-pity, which I've been fighting for quite awhile lately. I'm still trying to say good-bye to those childhood fantasies about how life is supposed to be.
I started a new online journal (http://kristenbrookebeck.blogspot.com/), so I could have a place to publicly vent about non-weight-loss issues. (Public venting seems to be much more therapeutic than writing in my private diary. There's just something about knowing that somebody else heard me, even if they don't know me. I'm always trying to feel heard.) I was using a personal MySpace blog, and I honestly thought that very few of my "friends" actually read the thing, but after a recent post, I discovered that not only did many of them read it, some of them mistakenly thought I was talking about them. So I decided to do my therapeutic journaling and brainstorming on a separate blog and save MySpace for funny surveys and basic updates about trips and family.
Meanwhile, the exercise plan I created seems insufficient. Doing yoga just for flexibility two times per week doesn't feel productive. I think I need to do strength training and flexibility together daily instead. So here's my new plan:
| Day | AM | PM |
| Monday | Lower body strength training Yoga for flexibility, balance, and posture |
Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
| Tuesday | Pilates core strength training Yoga for flexibility, balance, and posture |
Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
| Wednesday | Upper body strength training Yoga for flexibility, balance, and posture |
Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
| Thursday | Lower body strength training Yoga for flexibility, balance, and posture |
Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
| Friday | Pilates core strength training Yoga for flexibility, balance, and posture |
Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
| Saturday | Upper body strength training Yoga for flexibility, balance, and posture |
Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
| Sunday | Yoga for strength, flexibility, balance, and posture | Walking 1 hr (3 miles) or Stair Stepping 30 min. |
...by Feed