November 2007, Weight Loss Journal
1 November 2007
By dealing with my emotional issues, I'm finding it easier to avoid emotional eating and motivate myself to exercise.
I started therapy again. I had been doing everything I could think of to deal with my emotional problems, yet the problems wouldn't go away, so it's time to get some outside perspective. My husband has been very helpful in offering his opinions, but I have to keep in mind that he isn't completely unbiased. He takes personally anything that hurts me. I needed to talk to somebody who could distance themselves from the situation and look at things with pure logic.
So here's what I've learned so far:
- I need to define what it means to me to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, citizen, etc.
- I need to look at my life and figure out if I am living up to those ideals.
- If I'm not living up to any of those ideals, then I need to create goals to help me achieve those ideals.
Well, I did it, and I did fulfill most of my ideals. Some need a little extra work. But the most important thing that I learned was that I tend to define myself based on the ideals of other people. This is a habit left over from childhood, and as an adult, I need to let go of it. This, of course, means that those people whom I rely on for those outside ideals will likely disapprove of my attitudes and actions that conflict with their ideals, but I need to maintain my integrity anyhow. I need to stop trying to make them proud, stop trying to make them like me, and stop trying to earn their respect. It will only happen if I give up who I am and repeat dysfunctional patterns that will ultimately end up damaging my children and my marriage as well as my own self-esteem, and I'm not willing to do that. So I'm left with the reality that those people with those outside ideals will never truly like me, respect me, or be proud of me. I'm grieving the loss of that fantasy, but I'm determined to get through it.
By doing all of this, I've seen my overall feeling anxiety and stress drop. I catch myself feeling very tearful sometimes, but that's much better than feeling stressed out. It has really helped my emotional eating.
I haven't had the urge to overeat or indulge in junk food nearly as much as I did before. Yesterday was Halloween and I only had one, small candy bar and some fruity candy. Today I had one, small candy bar and decided that that was enough. For me, that's a monumental step. Usually, Halloween is all about candy, candy, and more candy and giving myself permission to eat a pound of chocolate at least. But this time, I just wanted to savor a bit of the flavor, and when that was done, I didn't feel like I needed more. I actually felt more like, "I've done that already. I don't need to do it again because I'm already satisfied. And if that doesn't satisfy me, then maybe it's something else that needs satisfying. I can stop or start eating whenever I want, no matter what other people say to me, and if I choose not to eat something, it isn't because they told me not to; it's because I decided not to."
Another thing I'm doing is avoiding triggers, like watching cooking shows or food commercials. If they're on, I walk out of the room, read a book, or just go to something else. I don't buy foods that I think I'll be tempted to eat. If I do decide to buy it, I only buy one serving (or the smallest size they have), even if it costs more money.
I also am working on not feeling guilty when my husband tries to feed me. He's an amazing cook, loves baking delicious desserts, and likes to surprise me with food. I feel guilty if I tell him that I don't want any or only want one bite. So I'm going to talk to him about that.
5 November 2007
Weight: 173 (lost 27 lbs.)
BMI: 31.64
So it's time to get back on the wagon. My first official weigh-in after a month of rest is 173. I'm actually happy about that because I still managed to get on the scale every week and cringed when I saw the scale creeping up to 176. Learning to control my emotional eating got me back down to 173.
And now, for the exercise...
The other day I broke down and bought a treadmill, and inexpensive manual one. I never understood why anyone would want to walk in place on a human-sized mouse wheel instead of walking outside, but for me, walking outside isn't going to work right now. I already walk with my children to school. It adds up to about 2.6 miles of walking per day for me (1.3 for the kids, which is a good for them). However, it isn't a stress-free walk because it's filled with whining and constant worry about one of them wandering into traffic or getting attacked by a giant drooling dog. I'd love to walk in the morning or evening, but the only times that childcare (my husband) is available is when it's dark out, and I don't feel safe walking in the dark.
I debated whether I should buy a treadmill or just save money and watch FitTV and workout videos instead. Honestly, those workout shows do nothing for me right now. I don't want to think about coordination, listening to instructions, or listening to somebody encourage me to do more. I just want to walk mindlessly while watching a television show that I would have otherwise watched while sitting. So bring on the treadmill.
I've also started doing some gentle strength training. I can't believe how much I have regressed in strength and muscle endurance. I had to start with 5 lb. dumbbells and did only one set, and I was still very sore the next day. I'm hoping I'll work my way up to 8 lbs. soon. It's a bit depressing to pick up 5 lb. dumbbells and remember that not so long ago I was using 10 lb. dumbbells. I know it's just a little thing, but it's symbolic of the amount that I have let myself slip, and it's a reminder that exercise is more than just your dress size. Even though I still wear a size 14, I lost some of my fitness level.
Another thing I've been doing to get motivated to exercise is reading. I've been reading text books for personal trainers. I figured, why pay for a personal trainer, when I can just pay for the book (for the price of one session with a personal trainer) and be my own personal trainer. We'll see how that goes. Hey, maybe I'll learn so much that I'll actually become a personal trainer, and then other people can hire me to train them. (And then I'll have to be thin and fit to set a good example.)
...by Feed