January 2008, Weight Loss Journal
Updated March 17, 2008
11 January 2008
Weight: 175 (lost 25 lbs.)
BMI: 32
Clothing Size: 14
This time last year, I was 172. So I can officially conclude that 2007 was a year of maintenance, not a year of weight loss.
So what happened?
Well, it certainly wasn't a lack of will power. When I want to do something, I do it, and nobody can stop me. So the question is, why don't I want to do it.
I realized that when I first started to lose weight, I told myself that once I hit 170 lbs. I would be light enough to join a martial arts class and not pass out during the warm ups. Once I hit 170, I ended up not joining the martial arts class because I wanted to spend the money on my kids' gymnastics and dance classes. But the 170 mark still was burned into my brain.
That 170 lbs. mark just felt comfortable. It's a point where I'm still overweight, but I don't waddle, and I can exercise (even jog) without begging for mercy. It's also a point where I can wear a size 14, the average size of the American woman. At my checkups, my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar, etc. are all great. My husband doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered by my excess pounds, and, since I'm not on the dating scene, I really don't care if anybody else finds me attractive (or unattractive because of being overweight). Right now, my weight isn't a threat, and it isn't negatively impacting my life in any way (other than making me feel like I can't be a super model and giving me that "why haven't I met that goal" feeling). So maybe the problem is that 170 lbs. (size 14) is just comfortable for me.
But that's not true either. I really would rather be 120-130 lbs. I really would like to see my BMI under 24. I really would like to be a size 10 or smaller. I really would like to hit my goal weight of 130 just so I can say, "Yay! I did it. I reached my goal." I really do want to be an example of health for my kids.
So what the heck is going on in my brain?
18 January 2008
Weight: 176 (lost 24 lbs.)
BMI: 32.19
Clothing Size: 14
At 170, I was content. At 172 I told myself, "It's just a couple of pounds. I can lose that." At 175 I told myself, "It's just 5 lbs. I can lose that." But 176 is my breaking point. When I hit that number, I panic because it just screams out, "You're going to be grotesquely fat again!"
Last week I realized that the problem was that I was comfortable at 170. If I was comfortable, then why should I bother to lose weight. Well 170 isn't good enough anymore. And 175 isn't just 5 lbs. away from my comfort level because 170 isn't my comfort level anymore. At 170 I'm flabby. My stomach bulges out. My butt is huge. My thighs look like small walruses. My arms look swollen. I even have rolls of fat on my sides and back. Yes, 170 is way better than 220 or 200, but 170 is not a healthy goal; it's only a trip marker on my journey to a healthy weight. 170 is not a comfortable weight, nor is it pretty. Size 14 may be average, but when you're 5'2", 14 is still fat-lady clothes. I'm proud that I don't wear a size 20 or a size 18 or a size 16 anymore, but size 14 is still too big.
So I went clothes shopping yesterday to stimulate my discomfort level. I used to be happy shopping for a size 14, but now I catch myself looking at size 12. Size 12... that was the size I wore when my husband and I started dating. I also wore very baggy clothes at that time, so I was probably smaller than a size 12 and didn't know it. I was probably a size 10.
I was 145 lbs. back then at size 10-12. (I'm still amazed that my husband married me when I was 185, 10 lbs. more than I am now. Gee, he must really like me or something.) 145 lbs. on a 5'2" frame is just a little overweight, but not "fat, fat, fat." At 145, I could go to my high school reunion and not be ashamed. At 145, I could go on hikes and adventures without thinking that I must look like a fat lady trying to act thin and athletic. At 145, I could go shopping at any store for clothes. (Even at size 14, it's difficult to go shopping at boutiques, since they only go up to size 12). At 145, I can get on any scale and not feel like I should make excuses for why I weigh so much. At 145, I can hang around my athletic friends and not feel like a giant, lazy blob. At 145, I can feel sexy again (after all, that's what I was at when my husband was attracted to me in the first place). At 145, I'll have better health and more happiness because I'll be able to do more of the things I want to do. 145 is my new goal.
I have to pound this into my head. 170 is better than 200+ (yay for me for getting down to 170), but 170 is still fat. I need to stop looking at the scale and being satisfied with 170. 175 is not just 5 lbs. away from my goal weight. 175 is 30 lbs. away from my next goal weight. 145. 145. 145. I lost 30 lbs. before. I can lose 30 more.
So as of today, my starting weight is 176 and my goal weight is 145. I have 31 lb. to lose.
During the last few weeks, I've only been doing small strength training workouts. It obviously isn't enough to help me lose weight. (At least I feel stronger.) I've been using 5 lbs. weights. Now I'm increasing it to 8 lbs. It's not very impressive, but 8 lbs. is an improvement, and any improvement is good. I'm going to add more exercises to these workouts. Maybe that will help me burn more calories.
I haven't been doing cardio at all. When my kids started school, I stopped going out for long, intense walks and decided to just walk the kids to school instead. (It was safer anyhow, because the winter days are so short, and walking in the dark is so dangerous.) When it got too cold for the kids, I started driving my kids to school instead of walking. I bought a treadmill and hoped that I could spend 30 - 60 minutes on the treadmill to make up for my missed walks. It turns out that I hate the treadmill. I hate walking in place. Even when I watch TV while I do it, I'm insanely bored. It's also a manual treadmill, so it requires that I hold on to the handles the entire time, which means that I can't read while I walk. I have a bike trainer, but I need street tires (not mountain bike tires) to use it, and it takes up so much space (which I don't have much of), so I avoid setting it up. I haven't used my bike trainer once this winter. I have a step bench that I use while I'm watching TV sometimes, but I don't have any real routine with it, so I don't do it regularly. Since I cut out the walking, the number on the scale has been creeping up. I need to get 30 minutes of cardio in my day, every day, every freakin' day. Every every day!
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. 145. 145. 145.
January 25, 2008
Weight: 175 (lost 25 lbs.)
BMI: 32
Clothing Size: 14
I think the 145 mantra has been helping me control my food intake. Whenever I feel like "I deserve that chocolate" or "I should enjoy a second helping" I just repeat my mantra, "145," and suddenly I have the ability to say "no, thank you."
I'm still having a hard time getting back into an exercise routine. I start. I stop. I start again. I skip a bunch. I do half a workout.
Back when I used to have a routine, I woke up before the rest of the family, put on some warm clothes, and walked out the front door. I wouldn't come back for an hour. Sometimes I walked. Sometimes I jogged. I came home, said good morning to my kids, and did my strength training and stretching. Then I showered and went on with my day. Why is it so freakin' hard to get back in that groove?
I know I can't go out in the morning before my husband leaves for work because it's too dark, and that's just not safe, so I'll have to wait until there are longer , but I can wake up, put on my sneakers, and get on my treadmill (yes, even though I've realized that I don't really like the treadmill; I paid for it, so I might as well use it). I can listen to my MP3 player the whole time and instruct my kids (who will definitely wake up) that I am not to be disturbed until I'm done exercising. (I always seem to jump up to help them with something, and then I end up getting distracted and not working out. I need to set a boundary.) When I'm done, I need to do my strength training and stretching. Then I need to shower and get the kids ready for the day. Then I can start working on the rest of my day. This isn't hard. This isn't expensive or time consuming. I don't even need to face the freezing cold outside or worry about safety. I just need to stop making excuses. I just need to slap myself around a bit and force myself to see the truth.
Kristen, you're fat because you don't exercise every morning. You were losing weight when you exercised every morning, but when you stopped, you stopped losing weight, so you're still fat. You're going to spend your life fat and die fat (probably at an early age from fat-related medical problems) just because you didn't want to get up in the morning and exercise for 30-60 minutes, just because you had "better" things to do, just because you didn't want to set up the exercise equipment. Those are pretty stupid reasons to live a tired, unhealthy life and die young.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up, stumble into the living room, put on my sneakers, put on some music (or a lecture... I'm such a nerd), pull out my treadmill, and start moving. It's just another habit in my day, like eating breakfast or brushing my teeth. I just have start doing it.
...by Feed