Shacking-Up: Living Together Before Marriage
Updated on July 28, 2007
I know there are religions that teach that it is wrong to have sex or live together before you're married, but I don't subscribe to those religions, so you won't find religion in my logic.
Warning: Exceptions
If you have children, do not move in with somebody unless you have both agreed that you want to have a marriage-like relationship and plan to be together for the long haul (or at least until the kids are grown). When you shack up with somebody, that person becomes a parent-figure for your children. First of all, you need to be certain that this person is a good parent. Second, your children will probably become attached to this person, and you cannot just toy with your children's emotions by having parents-figures moving in and out. It will emotionally scar your children!
If you aren't completely certain that this person is the one then don't shack up until the kids have grown up and moved out of the house.
Damaged Goods
In the past, women were property. In some cultures, women's families paid money, goods, or services to a man's family to marry her off, get her out of the home, take the burden of having her away, and rid the family of the shame of having a daughter who wasn't married. In other cultures, the man paid money, goods, or services to the women's family to purchase her.
Since women were basically bought and sold, they needed to be marketable. "This gal is pristine, pretty, and an excellent housekeeper and mother. Plus, she'll please you sexually."
Would you buy damaged goods when you could have the best? Of course not, so lots of effort was taken to keep women from becoming damaged goods.
A woman was damaged goods if she had sex with another man. Men wanted virgins. A man wanted to know that he would be the best sex she ever had because he was the only sex she ever had. He wanted to be completely certain that if she had a baby, it was his. To ensure that a woman did not become damaged goods, she was forbidden to have sex with anyone but her husband. Of course, if men are allowed to have sex before marriage, they must be having sex with somebody, probably unmarried women, so men were forbidden to have sex before marriage as well. If a man and woman were living together prior to marriage, you could be pretty sure that they were having sex, and that means that he was getting the benefits of having a wife without having to make a commitment, much like getting to keep a car from the dealership without paying a penny, and no car dealer is going to go for that.
Well, it's now the 21st century, and women are no longer property (at least in my neighborhood, and they shouldn't be in other neighborhoods either, so we need to fight the sex slave trade). I can't be damaged goods because I'm not goods. I'm a person, not something to trade and bargain for.
"You'll fall in love with this beauty. She's top of the line."
If you go to buy a car, you don't just look at a car and buy it no matter how much the salesperson tells you it's a good deal. You have to test drive it. Figure out which button does what. Figure out if it feels comfortable and that it's a good fit for you. Take a look at its numbers to make sure it's in your budget and won't guzzle gas (which goes against your pocket book and your environmentally friendly beliefs). If you don't go through this process, you might end up with a car that you don't enjoy being with or driving, you can't afford, breaks down when you really need it, or gets you in an accident, which could be deadly. You do all of this testing and research for a car, something that you only plan on having for a few years (or a couple of decades if you are willing to put in the work and baby it), yet when it comes to getting married, we're supposed to just make a lifelong commitment based on what we see on the showroom floor!
Dating = Marketing
Living with somebody is a completely different experience than dating. When you're on a date, you don't look like you just got out of bed, you aren't snapping at your partner because you haven't had your morning cup of coffee, you don't have to maintain the bills and household paperwork, and you don't have the stress of knowing that you can't decorate your home the way you want to because your partner doesn't like it. When you're on a date, you don't have to deal with your partner's bodily functions, and you certainly don't display your own. Even is you spend the night with each other, you're only seeing the host and guest behaviors. One person is the host and the other person is a guest, and odds are that you are playing your rolls politely. When you don't live together, all you're getting is the marketing, the commercials, the advertisements, and all of them say the same thing, "I'm a good catch."
The Test Drive
When you live with somebody, you get to test drive the real deal. You get to see what you'll be waking up to every day and what you'll be going to sleep next to each night. You get to see what that perfect partner does during his/her free time, and it may be something you can't stand. You get to live with all of those annoying collections you can't stand, and you'll have to look at them every day. You'll get firsthand knowledge of his/her cleaning skills (and too clean or too sloppy are both bad for relationships). You'll get to eat each other's cooking skills. You'll have to put up with each other's habits, no matter how annoying they are. Suddenly, this perfect partner starts developing some flaws.
Some flaws you can live with. Some flaws driving you crazy, so you both compromise to find a middle ground you both can live with. Some flaws are just deal-breakers, and you'll be happy to know that you found out about them before you tied the knot and have to go through an expensive divorce process and legal stuff.
I have no problem letting my partner test drive my wife skills prior to marriage because I'm using that same time to test drive his husband skills, and I don't want to be with a man who doesn't like my wife skills. It's an equal win-win opportunity for everyone.
Just make sure that you live together for at least one year before you decide to sign the contract.
Closing the Deal
You've lived together for at least one year, so when do you decide to sign that marriage contract? That depends.
Some people know right away that they're ready to sign on the dotted line. Great! If both of you feel the same way, do it.
Some people want to keep test driving until they feel ready. That's fine too. Just make sure that both of you understand that you can't test drive forever. Eventually, one of you will get tired of waiting for that commitment and move on to somebody else. If partner A is ready, but partner B isn't, partner A gets to decide how long he/she is willing to wait for partner B to make up his/her mind. If possible, partner A needs to tell partner B how long he/she will be willing to wait, and if partner B doesn't make the decision by the deadline, partner A gets to move on guilt-free
Some people love living together, want the commitment, but don't want to sign a marriage contract. That's great too! It is completely possible to make a lifetime commitment to each other without having the government or religious organization get involved. The only difference between being committed to each other in an official marriage and being committed to each other without that piece of paper is the piece of paper and the legal system. You will need to make sure that you draw up various legal documents (such as wills, trusts, advanced healthcare directives, power of attorney, and so forth) to ensure that you have the rights that a legal spouse would have, and you need to do some homework to find out how things like work benefits will work for you. You won't have the advantage of getting social security survivor benefits, pension survivor benefits, and so forth, so you'll need to make sure that you both have adequate life insurance to protect your partner. I highly recommend doing some sort of ceremony to mark your commitment and to let all of your family and friends know that you are now the equivalent of a married couple. You can have a wedding or just have a party.
But...Sanctity of Marriage...Sanctity of Marriage...
The sanctity of marriage is not defined by what happened before or after the marriage because in both pre and post marriage, the marriage doesn't exist. It is either a dream or a memory. The sanctity of marriage is defined by what happens during the marriage.
The sanctity of marriage means that marriage is sacred to the people in the marriage. Your marriage is not sacred to me. I'm not a part of it, and if it falls apart, it doesn't affect me in any way that I'm aware of, so I won't feel sad about it, but I may I feel sorry for you if you are sad about it.
The terms of the marriage are defined by the people in the marriage. The people in the marriage may be both females, both males, two males and two females as one big married group, or just a plain ol' heterosexual couple. No matter what the marriage is, if I'm not in it, and it doesn't include children being married (because children are not mature enough to make such a commitment, and forcing a child to make a commitment like that is child abuse), then it's none of my business. Likewise, if you aren't in the marriage and the marriage doesn't include children being married, then it's none of your business either.
Since the terms of the marriage are defined by the members of the marriage, any outside opinion about those terms is irrelevant. I am not a part of your marriage, so I'm not going to tell you what needs to happen in your marriage for your marriage to be valid or good. If a sexless marriage works for you, great. If a marriage that involves swinging works for you, great. I may not approve of either one, but if everyone in your marriage likes it that way, and it doesn't hurt anyone outside of the marriage, then keep doing it. Likewise, you are not a part of my marriage. Don't tell me that I need to be submissive to my husband or can't work outside the home because I'm a wife. Don't tell me that I need to get married in your church and can never get a divorce. I'll decide the terms that define my marriage, and I don't need you pushing your ideals into my life, especially if I think your ideals are flat out wrong or absurd.
...by Feed